Well, here I am, writing to the world at large and realizing a lifelong dream…
Let me tell you a bit about how this blog came to life. I hope you’ll follow along with me through my posts and find something that may help you navigate your own personal journey through life. I am currently sitting in my home office listening to music and taking this leap of faith into the world of blogging. Last year (2018) in May, the 15th to be exact, my husband, our younger daughter, and myself received texts from the oldest daughter that were cryptic in nature and sent up warning flags that she was struggling mentally. We are parents to two girls, 5 years apart and both out on their own. These texts, especially mine, were hurtful in nature and we didn’t understand them at the time. We still don’t, to be perfectly honest. Suffice it to say that May 15, 2018 was the day my husband and I lost our oldest daughter and our younger daughter lost her sister. I was accused of doing something terrible to her when she was a child, my husband was accused of not protecting her and her sister was accused of letting her down. As you can imagine, the fallout from these text messages has been ongoing, beyond painful and linger on in our everyday lives.
In blogging about my life and experiences, I in no way have intentions of causing anyone harm. I am personally responsible for the contents of this blog, and am intent only on self-expression, self-awareness, self-growth and making a positive difference in the lives of my readers.
The true victims of this situation are the children involved. As time goes on, I’ll share more details about the accusations against me, and the journey of grieving living persons. We had our beloved grandson and step granddaughter ripped from us because of the actions of our oldest daughter, and they are missing from our lives every single day. For 11.5 years we had a loving relationship with our grandson, and for 5 years with our step granddaughter. To say that we miss them is putting it mildly, and we would give almost anything to see them again. In fact, my husband and I raised our grandson for 4.5 years while our daughter got her life on track and the bonds we share will not be broken, no matter how hard our daughter tries. We are not horrible people, we are not criminals and we are not evil. What we are is hurt, heartbroken and healing all at the same time.
How does a marriage survive such a loss? How does a mother find it possible to forgive after losing so much because it’s someone else’s choice? How does a father reconcile in his mind that one of his baby girls hates him? How does a baby sister find her way through the confusion of a loss that isn’t necessary? How do MiMi and Poppy make sense of being denied the pleasure of being a MiMi and a Poppy? The tangled webs of estrangement and alienation are just that, tangled. And messy, oh, so messy. Such unnecessary pains of loneliness and despair, so many undefined moments of rage and disbelief. How many times in one day can someone ask themselves “why?” You’d be surprised.
There is so much more to me than just this situation I find myself in, but this situation is the catalyst for me realizing my dream, so therefore is a gift in a sense. It’s not exactly the type of gift I want to receive, but it is what it is, and I am trying to turn it into something positive. If I can help one other alienated grandparent find a measure of peace, help a sibling that is missing her/his sister/brother through their pain, help a wounded parent find their way through the minefield of heartache, then maybe, just maybe, putting our story, my story out there will be worth it.
I chose the name for this blog with the help of one of my best friends who knows the darkness that being thrown away has brought to my life. The word refulgence means “Shining Brightly” and that is what I want this blog to be. A brightly shining ray of hope, of understanding, and of peace. I know it won’t always be positive and upbeat, but I can promise you it will always be honest (brutally so), it will always be heartfelt and it will always be authentic. Life is too short to wallow in the grief imposed on me by the unnecessary actions of someone else, and I hope to be able to portray that in the words of Reflection of Refulgence.