Since I’m new at this blogging thing, I spend a good deal of time trying to figure out just what and how much to say. I wonder… What makes a blog entry too long, seem irrelevant, or just not measure up to other blogs out there in the vastness of cyber space? Then I think, does it really matter how long an entry is, how relevant or if it measures up? This is MY space to pour my heart out and share, to try and make a small difference and maybe, just maybe, to be heard.
Today was a good day; very busy and very productive. I spend almost every waking minute of my days with my grandchildren on my mind. All 4 of them, not just the two that have been kept from us. I am forever grateful that we are still able to be MiMi and Poppa to our two younger grands and love their happiness at seeing us. The two close by are happy, fun and we’re so blessed to share in their lives. Grandchildren are a blessing, they bring such joy to their grandparents, and being able to share in the daily lives of such precious beings is a gift. Grandparents are not the only ones to benefit from a loving relationship with their grandchildren, it works the other way around also. Grandchildren learn much from their grandparents, things like love, acceptance, compassion and patience. By the time most of us become grandparents, we’ve pretty much seen so much sorrow in the world at large that we want to give our grandchildren a safe place to come to. A place where they can just be kids, where they can explore the world that surrounds them, not the larger world waiting to devour their spirits when they are grown. As grandparents it is our most sincere pleasure to take time to catch tadpoles in small strainers, to be chaperones on their field trips, to get soaking wet while giving them a bubble bath. It’s the simplicity of being a grandmother that I miss the most when I think about the two being kept from us. And this is just a small part of living daily with a broken MiMi heart.
I feel at times I don’t know how to navigate the part of my life that I have had no choice but to live this past year. I know I must continue to face that life every day from here on out and it’s beyond difficult, but it’s NOT impossible. There are more good days than bad now, but when the bad days come, they arrive like an unexpected tornado and rip me apart. I flail about without direction and find my spirit battered and bruised. I wonder if the pain of alienation will ever end. I find myself in such darkness that I become someone I don’t know, or even recognize. The depths of rage I feel toward my daughter when I’m in a dark place are depths that scare me. I don’t often find myself swimming in a sea of rage without some type of flotation device, without which I surely would have done something completely out of character by now. I have a loving husband who hurts as much as I do, and being that he is a man of few words, we don’t always talk when I’d like to, but he knows me. I know him. We know when the other needs space, or a hug, or to dance in the kitchen. I couldn’t do this without him. I almost had to, but that’s a story for another time. Having “my person” beside me in this is exactly what I need. We have our younger daughter and her family, and we all share a common bond in the loss of a piece of our family. I have friends that know me, and not just the happy me. They know the ugly crying me, the me that tries to run from the pain (it doesn’t work.) My closest friends are like swim floaties; they hold me up when I’m drowning in the depths of despair and rage. I have a sister that loves me and that I know has my back even when we aren’t speaking because of the stupidity of the mistakes that siblings make with one another. I have a brother that knows my pain. And I know he knows because when we do talk, I can hear the pain in his voice for me. My husband and I are lucky to have such a large, extended family that stands by us. And ya know what? They are there for the daughter, son-in-love and two grandchildren we’ve lost. They all hurt in their own way at being denied the love and connection with their beloved niece and her family.
In closing for this evening, I want to remind you all that love is the greatest gift that we can give, but also receive. Love is fragile, but stronger than steel, too. My MIMi heart loves with a fierceness I will never apologize for, but that is now not given as freely as it used to be. My grandchildren are my heart beating outside my chest, x2. By that I mean that my children are my heart beating outside my chest first, and now their children are two times the beat. It may not make sense to anyone reading this, but it does to me, and I will never not love them. MiMi’s heart beats on for all of the people I love, and even for those who don’t love me. It’s a heart that has been shattered, pieced back together and still works, though it beats out of sync now…