I’m tired tonight, and thought of not writing, but I really feel like I’d be getting in the way of my own healing process if I didn’t make the attempt to connect with what’s in my heart at this moment. Tired or not, the estrangement is always a part of who I am now, and ignoring it doesn’t change that. If only it were that easy…
I had a productive day today, it started pretty early and seems to be ending rather late, but that’s a good thing. I got to hang out with two of the most fascinating little kids I know this morning so their mommy could work out and we had a blast at a local playground. I watched my youngest grandson develop more and more confidence every time he climbed the stairs to the biggest slide at the park. He’d launch himself off the platform at the top of the slide and just laugh all the way down. Such joy!!! I helped my granddaughter navigate the mock rock wall to get up to the same platform her little brother was on, and then watched her self confidence grow every time she climbed that wall alone. She’s a fierce little girl and she melts my heart when she hugs me spontaneously. There’s nothing better. Nothing.
I spent a little time this afternoon sitting in our backyard and reading before I decided to cut the grass. I love to cut the yard, it’s an instant gratification thing, I think. You have to start at the beginning of course, but as you go, you can look behind you to see where you’ve been and feel a sense of instant satisfaction in the way your yard looks better with each pass of the lawnmower. It was hot today, but I love the heat, so I didn’t mind being outside at all. I know cutting the grass made me tired, but it’s a good tired. Being tired is not always a bad thing, and I invite this type of tired; it’s healing. Keeping busy keeps the shadows of estrangement away and I’m all for that.
I saw a movie this evening with a girlfriend and it gave me plenty to think about as far as faith is concerned. I am not a religious person, and I don’t believe faith is meant only for people who are. Faith can be presented in almost every situation life throws at us, and no one single group of people has exclusive rights to faith. I believe in my husband, I have faith that he has my best interests at heart. I have faith that someday I will see my grandchildren that are kept from us again. I have faith that my heart will continue to heal, even though it’s tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of seeking answers. Tired of being broken. Through all of these things I also have faith that I will heal. That I will grow. That I will not give up on myself. I need faith to sustain me just like other people do. Faith to me is a foundation stone in the building of my life, and without it, I’d not be here writing to all of you. I have learned so much about building a solid foundation and will share what that means to me as time goes on.
I hope you all have a peaceful rest tonight and know how much I appreciate you reading my blog. It’s growing every day and it is my sincere hope that someone, somewhere finds peace of mind in the words I share. We are not alone in the way estrangement and alienation make us feel, though sometimes we think we are. Tired or not, you are loved and you matter. Always.