Tonight I’m tired…

Today was a good day in spite of a bit of emotional letdown, but it seems letdown comes with the baggage of estrangement and alienation. I’m not too terribly sad about the lack of help I’ve reached out for today, I’m just tired. I’m tired from being in the car for hours on end three out of the last 6 days. I’m tired from the constant strain of worrying about family members. I’m tired from not sleeping all night long because of heartburn or noise or both. I’m just tired.

This evening I had an impromptu picnic with my two youngest grandchildren and then we played at the park. It was a fun time and watching their joy while they play makes my heart melt. I am ever grateful that I still get to be a MiMi and that I am close to my grandchildren. Not only geographically close, but heart close. The love from them is like a soothing balm for the bruises and deep cuts left behind from the slaying and stabbing of my heart last year. Love and time are both natural healers and I have invited both into my life even through the worst of the pain. I hope that someday our grandchildren will all be with us again and we can have a picnic with the four of them. My heart is happy tonight, but a bit sad as well, but that is as normal as it is now.

Do you ever wonder how it is that some people always seem to hold all the cards while you struggle to find a decent hand? This is another reason I am tired tonight. I feel defeated, and knowing that this is what our daughter wants me to feel makes it difficult to admit this publicly. I struggle very little most days with the feelings of rejection, bewilderment and defeat. I haven’t given myself enough credit today and the way I currently feel speaks of that to me. I need to rest and recharge, but there are nights that just get away from me and I feel like I do right now. I plan on making the rest of my night better by making tea, reading and going to bed soon. I plan on sharing my heart here on my blog and helping the turmoil that’s rolling around in my head find some peace. This blog has become a lifeline for me and I am going to keep writing as long as I have words that need release. I want to keep writing. I want this blog to be a place of encouragement and inspiration to anyone who reads it, and that’s why I started it. Even on nights like this when I am tired and feeling defeated, I need to write. Not writing make me feel like I am giving away my power and I refuse to do that.

Estrangement and alienation are power struggles that those of us who have been thrown away would much prefer not to be a part of. The constant wondering why is the biggest struggle I face next to the emptiness of my heart without my grandson being able to spend time with us. The mental toll estrangement takes out of us is exhausting, so much so that we don’t generally acknowledge it until it overwhelms us. Once we become overwhelmed we become more apt to push ourselves to run on empty, and that’s where I am tonight. So it’s time to stop pushing myself and rest. I hope that anyone reading this understands that it’s okay to take care of yourself first, and that’s what I am going to do. In closing, I hope everyone has a peaceful rest and remembers that no matter where you are in your journey of estrangement, you are never alone. Good night.

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