I’ve had a hard time getting started on today’s blog, but I think I just found my inspiration in the song Alexa is playing for me. I will find a way is not the title of the song, just part of a line, but it came on at the perfect time. I am determined to find my way through the minefields that are estrangement and alienation, and to do so with my head held high and my eyes wide open. I will find a way to get up and move forward every day, even on the days when I miss my grandchildren so much I would rather die than feel that pain.
I will find a way to be the best MiMi and Oma I can possibly be and remain steadfast in the love I feel for my family. Even for those that no longer want to be a part of the family. I am not going to open the door to my heart any time in the near future and invite the pain to revisit me, but I will slam it shut when I feel there is a threat to my heart and my emotional well being. I’ve worked hard this past year to get where I am, and I will continue to find a way. I’ve found ways to protect myself from the pain and anguish of being tossed out with the weekly garbage, and I will continue to keep seeking ways to heal.
I will continue to find a way to be a loving and supportive wife to the man I married 37 years ago, and continue to let him know that he means everything to me. I left him in October of 2017 and never thought we would make it to our 37th anniversary (4 more days.) The power of forgiveness is beyond comprehension and we are living proof that with determination, commitment and faith, you can overcome anything. I know I hurt him and he hurt me, but we know that a life lived without forgiveness is a sad, shallow and lonely place to be. We choose life and we choose to live that life the best we can, even though we have lost so much since last year. We have lost a lot, but we have also gained so much, it’s like the universe is helping us keep things balanced. We lost our oldest daughter and her family, but are still blessed to be parents and grandparents to our youngest daughter and her family.
I will continue to find a way to give back to the community of estranged and alienated parents and grandparents that have done so much for me. It’s a sad but true fact that alienation and estrangement are much more common than people think they are. Supporting each other through the nightmare of losing those we love so much is essential for our survival. For our sanity. We don’t deserve to be treated as less than, no one does, and it’s not okay. I will work tirelessly to help a grandmother that feels bereft in the face of such loss. I’ve been there, and am still there, and I’ll hold her hand. I’ll encourage her husband to walk beside her and let her cry as much as she needs to. I’ll encourage that same husband to do the same, like my husband has done. We need each other and we understand the depth of emotion involved in such unnecessary actions. We had no choice in what was done to us, or to our beloved grandchildren, but we do get to choose how we respond to what happened.
I will find a way to continue on the path to letting go of the hurt and anger caused by my daughter. I’m working on it, every day, and this blog is a huge part of that. I need to release my feelings and fears, this is just who I am. I will find a way to smile in the face of those that would shame and point fingers at me. People like that don’t have a clue as to what has happened, and I don’t have time for the negativity they bring to my life. I’ve learned that trust is not structured like a rubber band, it doesn’t snap back. If stretched too far, it will break. I’ll find a way to piece it back together so that my heart will stay whole. I will find ways to keep loving others, in spite of the fact that putting myself out there is scary now.
I will find ways to continue to bring joy to those I love. I am a woman that accepts that our oldest daughter is lost to us because she chooses to be, not because we want her to be. There is a difference and we feel peace in our hearts after a year of unspeakable pain. We will continue to look to the future with a positive mindset and with anticipation of good things to come…