Someone once said to me that some Mondays are more Monday than others, and it’s true. So very true. That statement has never been far from my mind and today was a Monday that was essentially a pretty decent one, with just a couple of bumps along the way. I’ll take the bumps, they’re not so bad.
I thought a lot today about the cruelty that is estrangement and alienation. Something happened today that proved to me that the level of cruelty being shown to alienated parents and grandparents knows no shortage and definitely does not respect boundaries. It’s like our hearts are on open display for the arrows of hatred to pierce them, and those same hearts are only good for target practice when it comes to our adult children. Do you ever stop and try to reason out what we’re going through? I do, but then I remember that you can’t reason with the unreasonable. Sooner or later you have to stop trying to figure out why you’ve been discarded like garbage and realize that you still matter. I still matter. We all do. What’s been done to us is cruel, abusive and beyond the scope of comprehension, but there will come a time when you look behind yourself and think, I didn’t cry today. I didn’t rage today. I didn’t falter today.
I did cry today, but I didn’t cry because of estrangement. I cried because someone I love more than my own life had a hard afternoon and was not kind to herself. I cried again because someone else lied to someone I love and I know that lie hurt him. Those are the two times I cried today, and those were the bumps I hit on the road of this first Monday in May. I also laughed a lot, had a wonderful lunch with my husband and talked to some very good friends, so all in all, not a terrible Monday. I feel good tonight and hope that anyone reading this feels good as well.
Life is too short to keep seeking out the answers to the questions most of us know will never come, but being curious by nature as human beings are, we keep spinning our wheels to make sense out of the nonsensical. When estrangement has no merit, nothing makes sense. I’ve been over every second of the life we shared with our oldest child and I cannot figure out why she thinks it’s okay to accuse me of crimes against her that just never happened. We raise our children to be adults, and as adults they become responsible for their life and the choices they make, right? What happens when those choices squarely place blame on someone else’s shoulders? If there is blame to be placed, shouldn’t the person placing blame be able to back up their claims with evidence? When do our adult children decide for themselves that they’ve crossed a line by alienating their parents and ask for forgiveness? It’s been my experience that that scenario very rarely happens and I myself have no expectations that we will ever be a part of our daughter’s life again. Why? Because it would mean she would have to admit she was wrong in her accusations and I believe her pride is in the way. The longer the estrangement goes on, the less likely reunification of our family becomes. The longer she practices being cruel to her parents, the more she will believe it’s okay to be. It’s not okay, it’s wrong. And no matter what happened, or happens, I know she knows the difference between right and wrong. Black and white, not gray. No gray at all.
As for the future of our family, we look forward. It’s incredibly hard to see the promise of the future with so much love missing. Not only our daughter is missing, but her husband and our grandchildren… We love being MiMi and Poppy, Oma and Opa, and we will never give up on a someday. Not ever. Someday we will be grandparents to four again and we will be as together as a family as time will allow. I am not a religious person, but I do believe in the power of prayer and I pray to the universe every day that my grandchildren are safe, happy and protected from the evil that has affected our family. I know in some ways they are not, because deep in my MiMi/Oma heart, I know those two children miss the family they are told they are no longer allowed to love. I am ever grateful that they have a loving MiMi/NayNay to hug them and to love on them. Children need their grandparents. All of their grandparents. Heck, we all need love. It’s a dark scary and scary world as it is, so why make it darker and scarier for the children caught in a situation they never asked for and simply don’t understand? Sooner or later the chains of control and deceit will be broken, and in that brokenness the healing will begin for the children. And the adults. Hopefully all of the adults, even the ones who threw their parents away…
So as I close on this Monday evening, I hope that you will remember to be kind to yourself, and remember that you matter. You are not alone in your pain and anguish, and though each journey through estrangement and alienation is different, we are all bound together by love. Take good care of you and smile, the future is not all bad… Tuesday is just around the corner!