Today was they type of day that I’m very grateful only happens once in a while. A little sadness, a lot of tired and some disappointment all rolled into the last 14 hours. Exhausting. I didn’t sleep well last night and while I’d like to say it’s uncommon, I would be lying. Insomnia and estrangement are bedfellows, and no matter how much we’d like to break up with insomnia, it seems almost impossible. Most nights I do okay and manage fairly well the next day, but not today. Part of me believes that today was and is harder than my normal day because it’s our Son-In-Love’s birthday and we miss him. It’s that simple. We never dreamed that we would be forbidden to acknowledge his special place in our hearts, but we have been, and that weighs on our hearts. We think about him everyday, and while we believe he doesn’t condone the way our daughter treats us, we know he must feel caught between a rock and a hard place. If you’re by any chance reading this, please know that we try hard to understand the silence. We often wonder if you miss us, and hope that you are doing well.
As for other reasons to be feeling melancholic, tiredness brings it on. Living in the shadow of estrangement and alienation makes you tired even on the best of days, so when days like this come along, you either stay so busy you don’t give the tired a chance, or you rest as much as possible, and in the restful moments your mind begins to wander all over the place. 99% of the time I try to stay busy, but today I just couldn’t. I slept about 3.5 hours total last night and finally gave in to the urge to nap about 3 o’clock this afternoon. Nap time gave the demons of alienation an in to my semiconscious, and I struggled between sleep and wakefulness until my phone rang and broke the lethargy. I saw our oldest daughter while sleeping, but she was not the woman in my dream that I choose to remember in life. I don’t like dreaming about her, it hurts too much. I find that weird, because I love to dream about my grandson and wish I did more often since it’s the only time I get to see him now. It’s the same for my dad and my Father-In-Love as well. I know there is a direct correlation between the hurtful events that took place because of our daughter and the uncomfortable dreams of her. Just as the love shared with our grandson and dads make my dreams a happy place. The sub conscious mind is a very powerful thing, even in sleep.
I’m also feeling melancholy because Mother’s Day is fast approaching and while I don’t think the day itself will affect me too badly, I know it will affect many other women that are missing their estranged children and alienated grandchildren. I plan on staying busy Sunday, maybe I’ll cut the grass, or work on the new display shelf for my kitchen, and pass the time thinking about the joys that being mom to our youngest daughter bring to my heart. She is a wonderful person and I am thankful for her continued presence in our lives. This will be the first Mother’s Day that I won’t be making a public post on Facebook about my two girls and what they mean to me, and that makes me sad. As much as I try not to miss our estranged daughter, I fail. Epic Failure. It seems no matter what our children do to us, they never fade from our hearts, even when we wish we they would, if only for a few hours. So, if being somewhat sad is all that happens to me on Sunday, I’ll be okay with that. It’ll be just like any other day for me.
I usually try and keep things here on the positive side, but I’m not all that positive myself tonight, and since this is my safe place to vent, share and just be, I figure being myself is okay. I’ve come to realize that the ever present sadness we feel as alienated parents and grandparents is always going to hang around, but we don’t have to let it determine the course of our day. Or our life. I accept the sad, it means I can still feel, and while I don’t invite it, I do own it. If you’ve been thrown away by your adult child and don’t feel even the smallest amount of sadness, you’re either lucky or not being truthful with yourself. I can go days without feeling the sadness, but I know it’s there, always watching, always waiting. It’s like the sadness that lingers 19 years after the passing of my beloved Daddy. Always there, always looking for a crack to squeeze through and always waiting to take me down. I’m a fighter, and have become much more of a fighter during this past year. I thank the powers of the universe for giving me the strength to stand and be strong in the face of such pain, and on days like today when the sadness has found that crack it’s been seeking, I try and remember that this to shall pass. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I would never choose this life for my family, but I do choose how I respond, and responding with grace and forgiveness is key.
Tomorrow is our anniversary and while we won’t celebrate until the weekend, it’s a special day. 37 years with the man who has been and is my biggest fan. I’m going to make tomorrow’s blog about him and how he’s never given up on me. I wish I could say the same about myself, and while I can’t, I know he knows how much I love him, how very thankful I am that we have worked out our differences and how much I appreciate his holding me up through this estrangement. I couldn’t do it without him. I just couldn’t. So, until tomorrow night, I hope all of you reading this know that we are not alone in our pain, that there are people that are walking in our footsteps, and that we are all connected even when we feel alone.