Questions? Answers… WTF?

Hi All,

Tonight as I sit in the office of our home, I have to be honest and tell you all that I don’t feel like asking questions. Nor do I feel like answering them. I’ve been trying to come up with a different theme for tonight’s writing, and it seems no matter how hard I try, I end up back here. At questions. WTF? Why…?

Here’s one of the reasons for the questions…

Monday coming is the birthday of our beloved grandson, the one we’re “forbidden” to love freely. Ya know what I say to that? I simply say, try and stop us from loving him. You may think you can make us stop, but you’re wrong. We will NEVER not love him, no matter what you do or try to do. NEVER. He will know someday that the person who was and is responsible for the brokenness in his heart is NOT because his MiMi and Poppy didn’t love him. We love him so much. We stay away because we know that were we to push the boundaries set by someone else, we would probably be arrested for fabricated reasons. We were nothing more than dirt under her shoes. Dirt… We love him. It’s that simple and beyond complicated at the same time. In what world is it okay to deny your own child the love of grandparents that loved him? Love him still? Raised him for almost 5 years? I believe a lot of what we’re going through is because our daughter believed we loved our grandson more than we ever loved her. She was wrong. Very, very wrong. If we could tell her that we love him so much because of her, we would. We also know that she would’ve twisted those words to make it so we were to blame for ALL of her issues, so we remain silent. We suffer. We cry. We rage. And we move forward, without the physical presence of our grandson. We carry him in our hearts and know that he has to know that we are not to blame for the hurt he must carry. He’s going to be 13, a milestone birthday w/o the grandparents that have been there for him his whole life. We were accused of loving him “too” much. WTF does that even mean???

Another question that came up this past week…

Do you pray for her? Do you speak life over her? Do you want her back in your lives? Hmmmm… How to answer this without being bitter…? Yes, we prayed for her, and we still do. I know that I strayed far from my faith over the past 12 years, hell, I ran away from it!!! I know that I am forgiven and because of that forgiveness, I am able to answer these questions. I pray for our lost daughter and her family. I pray that she would’ve known the peace that only a sane mind can bring. I prayed that she would’ve known that her Daddy and I loved her beyond any earthly love, but that we are only human and we made mistakes. She always viewed herself as a mistake, we never did. We wanted her, created her body, and loved her for as long as she would let us. We loved her with the kind of love only parents know, though she thought we never did. We loved her even when she was unlovable, and love her still. I hurt every time I think about my husband saying he doesn’t have 2 children anymore, he only has one. My husband is a strong, silent man, so I’m the only one that sees his agony over the loss of our firstborn. It adds weight to my shoulders that I swear are ready to cave in on themselves. Then I think “oh hell no!” I will never cave. I WILL see my grandson and his stepsister again and I will be the MiMi/Oma they knew me to be!!!

Would we have her back in our lives? At this point in our lives, the answer would be a firm NO. No. We do not invite the possibility of being torn asunder again. Not ever. Then we sit back and really think about what our lives would look like if she were to come back… and we know that unless she were to come back and acknowledge ALL of the pain, all of the chaos, all of the lies in person, we would say no again. I have stated many times that we’ve made mistakes, we acknowledge those mistakes, but we are not the evil beings she has accused us of being. So unless she were to admit to us, but more importantly to herself, that we ARE NOT evil, what would be the point of trying to reconcile? We were and are willing to be open and reveal the feelings that lie within. What we are not willing to do? Sacrifice ourselves. NOT EVER AGAIN. If this seems harsh to those of you reading this; Know that unless you know what it feels like to be thrown out with the garbage, maligned and accused of terrible things by the child born from your seed and womb, you will never understand the strength it takes to protect your heart after such a course of action is taken against you.

Did we speak life over her? Not in the way people think we should have. No. We prayed for peace of mind, plain and simple. We didn’t know what else to do, as we refused to be fake and unauthentic in this journey cast upon us by someone else. We have had many, many ups and downs in our 37 years of married life, and to let the accusations, falsehoods and narcissistic behaviors of someone else destroy us at this point in our lives would be of great folly. Heck, we don’t need any help in destroying this marriage, we excel at doing that to ourselves. Outside influences are NOT welcomed anymore. Not now, not ever again. We have survived everything any married couple could face, and we have come out on the side of being happy, in love and stronger than ever. We know exactly what we’re supposed to do now, and our strength is found in each other, it’s found in the love of our younger daughter, it’s found in the eyes of our grandchildren and it’s found in the determination to not let anything or anyone get between us ever again.

Questions arise every day after you lose someone you have spent your whole life loving ceases to exist in your life. You change. You hurt. It’s almost impossible to recover from being thrown away by your own child, but I am living proof that you can move on and find joy in your life again. I question myself at least 100 times a day and think “Am I doing the right thing?” “How do I keep going?” What is my beloved grandson going through without me?” I have days where these questions and so many more remain unanswered, but I keep pushing myself to move on. There is such beauty hidden in the blinding pain, you just have to get through the valley to see the vistas in front of you. I miss my daughter, I crave the presence of my grandson, I want to hug my step-granddaughter, and I will. The question remains… When??? I can’t answer that, not yet anyway, but someday will come…

Be kind to yourself and others, and know that if you are reading this and wearing shoes that are similar to mine, you ARE NOT alone. Reach out to me, or friends. Maybe a pastor or a therapist can help you find comfort in your darkness? I have sought the counsel of both and still do. I have friends that I can ugly cry with. I have some family members that I trust implicitly and grieve with. We are not created to be alone, humans are communal by nature and that community is out there waiting for you. And me…

Until next time…

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2 thoughts on “Questions? Answers… WTF?

  1. Barb…I feel your strength coming through loud and clear in this blog. I know a lot of words but absolutely none are available to me right now to convey my admiration, love and gratitude to you. YOU are golden. You will come out on top when all of this struggle you are living through is over. I’m praying for your miracle, Barb. And one for me, too. (PS…have you ever thought of writing about all this in book form? If you haven’t, you absolutely should…just saying). My love to you, precious one.❤

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    1. I am working on that very thing… thank you for believing in me! I pray that miracles find all of us that know the pain and agony of so much unnecessary loss… be well, dear heart. Be well…

      Like

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