I just haven’t felt like…

Hi All,

I don’t even know if there is anyone reading my blog, oh wait… I haven’t felt like writing! So, of course, no one is reading. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks emotionally and have been licking my wounds in private, and am just now feeling compelled to write again. I write to get things out of me, to encourage others, and to heal. There just hasn’t been as much healing as I’ve needed, and I’ve learned that putting my needs first is the only way I can share. And heal. If I were being paid to write maybe I would have more motivation, but I like the idea that I’m not being “forced” by monetary circumstances. It’s not a job to write at all, and I want to keep the pureness of what I do as unencumbering as possible.

I haven’t felt like being raw as of late and I have been. I’ve been exposed to things that I find extremely disturbing and have slammed on the brakes to get some personal perspective. I’ve been ghosted, I’ve been played and I’ve been pretty much taken for a fool. What’s sad is that I am anything but and I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve learned that trust is pretty much just a word in the dictionary now, not something that you can place in others. I have trust in people in my family, but not all. I trust my boss, and as far as being a happily employed member of her business, I am. I trust my closest friends and they know this. I trust my dog. The older I get the less I trust. It’s that simple. I don’t feel like even trying to open myself up to new people because I feel like I can’t trust anymore.

I haven’t felt like grieving, but I have been. I have suffered a grievous loss in the past few days and my heart is so sore. I’m sick of losing. Of grief. Of being angry and sad and trying to be patient and letting time takes its’ time to heal me. Again. Ugh… I’ve heard my whole life that God never gives us more than we can handle, and while I finally believe this again, I don’t really feel like living it out in my daily life. I just want to crawl into my bed some days and hide from the world. I don’t, but I want to. I know we all feel this way from time to time, it’s how we push through and keep seeking joy that makes the difference. I haven’t felt like actively seeking joy this past couple of weeks, and a so grateful that it has sought me instead. Life without joy isn’t life at all. Kind of the way I feel about love without trust. It just doesn’t measure up.

I haven’t felt like being responsible and adulting lately, but I have been. That loss I mentioned previously? It’s thrown me for a loop and I feel off-balance right now. I also have some familial issues that have come to light and I don’t feel like dealing with them anymore. I know I have to, and I will, I just don’t want to. I think what I’m going through with these particular issues may be the reason I don’t “feel” like doing anything because that little voice on my shoulder is asking why? Why bother? Why get involved? Why won’t people listen? Why are people so cruel? I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture…

I haven’t felt like this in a very long time. Kind of drifting through life with no firm direction. As I continue to journey through and with my grief, I realize more and more that I don’t have to feel like anything to have something good come from the darkened rooms of my heart. I just have to: listen, wait and be open to the waves of pain. Why? On the other side of loss, pain, darkness, and feeling alone are joy, clarity, and definition. I like a well defined, well-ordered life, and sometimes I think I just have to get out of my own way.  When I go silent as I have these last two weeks, you can be assured that I am listening for the guidance that pushes me along to the next steps of my journey. I’ve learned that though I have lost a child, I am still a mother. Though I have lost my way, I am still grounded, and while I have lost trust in most, I still have trust in some. I don’t feel like putting myself out there, but I will. You never know when the right person might say the right thing to get you out of your own head. Headspace is sorely overrated…

In closing, know that I appreciate each and every person that reads my blog. I write it because I DO feel like it. And I write it for all of you…


shallow focus photography of yellow star lanterns
Photo by 嘉淇 徐 on Pexels.com

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