Tonight is…

Hi All,

Tonight is the kind of night where I have to look hard behind myself to remind myself that I can do this thing called living. I am drained emotionally and tired of fighting to be heard. I feel like I am fighting a battle that will never, ever end. I am tired of the endless, ceaseless fighting and tonight is just another night when it doesn’t matter…

Tonight is the kind of night I just want to tell people off. I want to tell people to stand up for themselves and stop letting their other half treat them like they don’t measure up, or matter. To me, the people that treat others as possessions and inconveniences are that to themselves. They’re just too blind to admit it. And if they’re not blind to it, they’re eviler than I give them credit for. I have no space for evil in my life anymore, but I can tell there’s a battle raging for my heart. Well, it’s mine, and I am NOT giving it away to anyone that won’t protect it. I’ve had enough of that and I’m done. I love with all that I am, and I’m not okay with that love being crapped on or taken for granted or ignored. Not anymore. I’ve been beaten down by the very life borne out of me, and I am not a punching bag, a can that you can kick around or trash that you toss out your car window. You had your chance, you hurt me one too many times and now you can reap the benefits of being evil by yourself. I’m done with crying over that which doesn’t matter to me anymore.

Tonight is a night for serious reflection and prayer. Yes, I pray. I pray for my grandchildren, especially those who are living with the evil spirit of mental illness and its ravages on their lives. They deserve better. The same power that can stop the evil from consuming them is the same power that lives in me. I pray that they stand strong against the battles that they have no role in, but are caught up by. Children deserve to be children and be happy. When the very people responsible for their daily survival put them in harm’s way, they have no choice but to stand in the line of fire and become tools in a fight that has NOTHING to do with them. Love is NOT a weapon. I use that saying often on my personal Facebook, preceded by the ever-popular hashtag. #loveisnotaweapon is very personal to me because love is being used as a weapon of destruction and I have to fight back any way I can.

Tonight is a night where I feel abandoned and alone physically, but spiritually I am surrounded by grace and love. I continue on my journey of healing, reconciliation, and reflection, but I feel very alone right now. I’ll get through this as I have damn near everything else. With determination, with grit, and with my head held high. I refuse to give in to the feelings of loneliness and hurt, I acknowledge them, but those feelings will not control me. Never again. As my personal circle becomes smaller and smaller, I become stronger and stronger. I matter. You matter. And until we all believe in ourselves first, we will never be able to fully heal. I believe…

I’m ending here for tonight. I know this is a short post, I’m just tapped out and need to get some rest to face the day tomorrow. For those of you reading, I hope that you are well and finding encouragement where you can. I should write more, I really should. I go for days feeling like I have nothing to say, then days where I can’t stop writing. I’ve often said it’s a good thing I don’t write for income, I’d have starved to death by now. Until next time, be well…

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