I’ve spent the last few days really focused on how much time the concept of time takes up so much time when we allow ourselves to focus on it… Let me explain. Remember, this is my own concept of time, but it feels like I am supposed to share what’s been rolling around in my head lately.
I woke up at 4:22am yesterday, October 1st, and was sitting up in my bed reaching out for our oldest daughter. Arms wide open, tears flowing and longing showing on my face from my broken heart. I wouldn’t even consider trying to go back to sleep as I thought I might go right back into the same dream. My shattered heart has been through enough, don’t you think? The look on her face was one of scorn, like she was mocking me because I couldn’t reach her. I didn’t want to try. It made me so sad to know that even in my sleep she can still affect me so. I got up and tried to shake the uncomfortable feeling that no matter how much time passes, she will always have some type of control in my life. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t know how to make that stop. Time? Not yet. I know it’s only been 16+ months since she left us, but isn’t time supposed to be the great healer?
Time. I measure so much of my life by certain dates, just like the rest of the human race, and I wish I could stop. April 16, the day my Daddy died (2000.) That same date is my brother-in-love and sister-in-love’s anniversary (1983.) It’s also my nephew’s birthday. It was the day after my in-laws married (1950.) The day after tax day here in the U.S. Not a day goes by where there isn’t some memory invoked by the thought of time passing. Or a date. Or the time of year. So much thought of time.There’s so much time I wish I could get back, and/or change, but the thing about time is once it’s gone, it’s gone for good. As I age I know that the majority of my life is now behind me and I can’t go back and get a do over. I wish I could… I would marry the same man, we would still have children, but would we have parented the same way? I think probably yes. Time has shown me some things I wouldn’t try to change, and being a mom is one of those things. I was and am a good mom, I am not the evil incarnate time had created in our daughter’s mind. I have never been the monster she made me out to be, it would have taken too much time to become so. I loved her, so much. Time hasn’t changed that fact, it never will.
Time… I watch it fly by as I watch my youngest two grandchildren grow like time is standing still. I wish it would sometimes. There is so much time wasted in the in between moments of life, and then when you glance over the proverbial shoulder, you see where you could have snatched precious moments and made a memory or two. Our family mantra has become “Some is better than none,” and it’s so true. I’ll take 45 minutes sharing a meal with dear friends we haven’t seen in over a year than no time at all. I’d make the 7 hour round trip drive in a day to spend two hours with my precious grandchildren in NC, even if I only had a day’s notice. I’d give almost anything to have another day with my dad.. Time… By far the most precious gift the universe grants us and by far the least appreciated gift of all.
In closing, I hope this blog entry gives you reason to appreciate the gift of time, even if the time given has been a struggle in survival. The struggle brings a greater understanding of the need for appreciation in the first place. Be well, dear hearts and find some time to enjoy just for yourself, you are worthy of it!
Until next time…