Why doesn’t the pain ever stop? Why? What the hell is it about pain that makes it seem never ending and so damned present every day? I wish to hell just one day, once in a while, even once in a great while, a day would pass with no pain. Physical pain is not the pain I am writing about, but yeah, I have that, too.
Pain is listening to your beloved husband sob on the other end of a virtual visit while he’s lying in a strange bed, in a strange place and has been completely isolated for weeks. That happened to him today, the sobbing and the crying and the despair. Why does it have to be this way? When I know he would be made to feel better with a simple hug, a kiss on the forehead and a smile. I can give him none of those things in person. Damn COVID-19. I can’t help but wonder how many millions of people in this country are feeling the exact same way… It shatters my already shattered heart to hear and see my husband cry out about being helpless and not be able to comfort him. In any way. He’s not helpless, but he can’t hear me through his own pain to know that he matters to a great many people. He can feed himself, he can love his grandchildren, he can sing, he can smile. He’s not helpless. He perceives the need for assistance as helplessness, and I can totally understand why. I feel helpless also, knowing that I could make a difference in his life by just being near him, and I cannot be… The long lasting effects of coronavirus on people’s mental health will long be fresh study material, and I volunteer to be a case study.
There’s so much pain involved in losing people you love, whether to death, traumatic brain injury, alienation or a vast array of other causes. Pain has far reaching tentacles and those tentacles hold on tightly while trying to squeeze the life out of you. Pain is exhausting. And cruel. And not welcomed. It’s because of pain that I can hold my head up high and look forward. Pain has taught me to expect nothing, and to be grateful for what is. Expectations are evil and make life more painful when they are not met. I am now thankful for the loss of expecting anything, thought the lessons it took to learn to be so were very, very painful. Those same lessons taught me that not everyone that says they’ll do something will do it. It’s easier for me to just do it myself, or not ask for something in the first place. People let people down, it’s that simple. And in that simplicity is pain. And in that pain is healing, if you’re willing to fight for it. There are more days than not that I just want to stop fighting to feel good, it would be easier to give up, but I am not a quitter. I’ve learned that through painful lessons as well. Pain is a forging of the spirit, a cleansing, and I am trying hard to not feel pain all the time.
When I watch the world around me imploding as it is, I feel so sad. This country seemed to be heading in a progressive direction such a short time ago, and now? Now we are inviting pain into our living rooms, our classrooms, and our lives by condoning hatred. It pains me to see how many people think it’s okay to hurt someone. To kill others. To mock those that dare stand for decency. As painful as it is to see communities torn apart, I keep trying to look for the helpers. Mr. Rogers taught an entire generation to look for the helpers. Helpers ease the pain of others without expecting anything in return. I don’t have any answers as to how to help heal the divisions we see on TV every day, especially when the one person we should all be able to look up to makes a mockery of kindness. Or mocks empathy. I say let’s not play follow the leader, he’s not able to set a decent example. Being kind helps heal pain, even if only for a few moments, so spread kindness, not pain.
My life right now is full of pain, but I am hoping for relief. That relief may come in a form I may not recognize right away, and it may not come at all. My happiness is dependent on me, and I find that I am struggling at the present time to find happiness. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m lonely. But I am also loved. I’m favored. And I am blessed. Pain cannot last forever, it has to give me a break every now and then. I hope that no matter what causes your pain that you also find peace. And remember to always choose joy…