It’s Not Easy…

Hi All,

Life sucks right now. It’s not easy. Actually, I don’t think it’s supposed to be easy. I think life presents us with challenges to hone our deepest survival skills and teach us what really matters. What really matters? I can only answer that question for my self, and I’m going to try. And keep on trying as long as I am able to.

It’s not easy to wake up every day knowing that I have to face the longing in my heart for my husband. Yes, he’s alive, but the man I loved all these years is gone, both in mind and in spirit, replaced by a man that is so different I don’t know him. At all. The strong, loyal and fiercely protective husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, friend is forever changed and forever scarred by the stroke that took him away from those of us that love him. In place of the man I knew is a little boy’s mind full of fear and angst and self-doubt. The heart that beats within his chest is not the same heart, it’s compromised and broken and weakened. He has no quality of life as long as he lives within such a tortured mind and broken body, and I can do nothing to help him except to hold his hand and tell him I love him. And I do.

It’s not easy to know that my husband, who is currently in the hospital, will be going back to his long term skilled care center and once again be forced into isolation. Coronavirus is a stealthy killer, but it doesn’t just kill those infected with the virus, it slowly kills those people that are living alone, forced to be kept from their loved ones in order to “protect” them. Protection my ass… People need love, they need physical touch and they deserve to stay connected to their loved ones. Can you imagine being a caregiver in a nursing home and having to enforce rules that you know are not going to protect your patients? Can you imagine what it’s like to have to walk the halls of a place where people are forced to eat in their rooms, where people can’t commune in what should be a community? Not only do the patients and their families suffer, so do the staff and their families. Failure to thrive is killing thousands across the country and while these numbers are not included in the daily count of Covid deaths, they should be.

It’s not easy to watch the country I love destroy itself more and more every day. As a collective people we are imploding and unless we stand united, divided we will continue to fall. Not all law enforcement officers are bad, not all people of color are criminals and not all caucasian people are racists. The civil unrest and ensuing protests are warranted, the violence and death and destruction are not. Vigilantes? Really? In the 21st century? POC aren’t even safe when they’re sleeping peacefully in their own beds. Breonna Taylor did not deserve to die. Neither did Tamir Rice. Or Botham Jean. Just because someone looks different than you do doesn’t mean they’re criminals. Hell, Tamir Rice was a 12 year old boy, a child, playing in a park. WTF America? Are we so desperate to prove ourselves as a bully nation that we think the loss of life in the black/brown communities across the nation is worth the price being paid? POC are human beings, plain and simple, and deserve to have the Constitution and The Bill of Rights work for them as easily as it seems to for white people.

It’s not easy to be an empathetic person in a world full of cynicism, narcissism and selfishness. It’s incredibly difficult to stay positive when the world around you is always so damn negative. I am trying really hard to hold onto the tender heart that beats within my chest but there are more days than not now that I want to give up. What’s the point of being kind to one another when your kindness is received or mistaken for weakness? I am NOT a weak person, but I am broken. I am not a cynical person, but I don’t trust very often anymore. I am not a shy person, but I don’t want to put myself out there anymore to meet people. The world around me has become so dark and so cruel that I don’t want to participate in it. I want to hide most days from what’s going on around me and that’s not healthy. At all.

It’s not easy to know that someone I care deeply for is now experiencing the pain of seeing her beloved grandchild used as a pawn, a weapon. Really? Another family torn apart because pride and the desire to “win,” is all the involved parties can see. Sure, throw another beloved grandmother to the curb, we’re older, so we don’t matter. As hard as I try I will never understand why the children of my daughter’s generation think grandparents don’t matter. They need to know that the pain they willingly inflict on us will come back to them someday. And when it does, your parents will no longer be able to help you find your way home. Remember this… Karma is a bigger bitch than you, the children that throw their parents away, and she (Karma) will find you. I don’t relish the idea that my own flesh and blood will someday know the pain that I carry every day because of her actions, but she will. I can do nothing to stop it. Again, be careful what you ask for, because when you get it, it’s probably not at all what you want.

It’s not that easy to let go, and harder to hang on. Living in the 21st century is not for the faint of heart and it takes blood, sweat and more tears than a human body should be able to produce. I have cried enough tears since May 2018 to fill the oceans, and know there are many more to come. Hug someone you love after reading this, thank the universe for the breath in your lungs, and thank whatever God you believe in that you can smile through the pain. It’s not easy, but it is possible…

Until next time…

Photo by Barb Enos

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