This Hurts So Much…

I am an American. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am a grandmother, I am a wife, I am a friend, I am an Auntie. I am not a punching bag. I am not a fool. I am not a failure.

I am many things to many people, but what I am not is probably more noticeable than what I am. At least right now. It’s not about what I am, but who. Right now pain defines my life, but it’s not always going to be this way and I know this. When you look at me, what do you see? Do you see beneath the surface of my skin? Do you feel sorry for me, or with me? Do you see the way life’s circumstances are starting to show in the lines of my face? Do you see the depth of the sorrow I feel in my eyes? Do you see the silver in my hair? It’s okay if you see all these things, I don’t try to hide them anymore. I hurt. I cry. I cry every single day, I cry myself to sleep most nights while I pray for those I love.

I have been loved and I love with all that I have. There is no way to put my pain into words to make people understand what I am going through. I ache for my daughters, they are losing their Daddy and I can’t take away their pain. I can’t imagine not having the man that is the Poppy to my MiMI, but I can’t imagine him having to “live” in constant, physical and emotional pain with no end in sight. I am so conflicted.

My husband is now in hospice and we are waiting for something that no one wants to wait for. I want to wake up tomorrow and have it be 1993. Our girls were 5 and 10 that year and we were an intact family. I never imagined that all these years later that we would be so broken. Families belong together, not apart. How do I fix this? How do I survive this? How to I protect my children from what’s coming? How to I let our grandchildren know the man their Poppy was? How do I live without the man I love more than my own life? How? I know the why, not the how. It’s all so painful. All of it.

When life gives you lemons you’re supposed to make lemonade, right? Well, this Boston based girl says 2020 can suck those lemons… I am so over this year…

If you’ve read this far, please know that I appreciate you. I wish this were a happier posting, but I am not happy. I’m raw. I’m shattered, and I’m bereft…

Be kind always and stay safe…