Getting Lost is Too Easy…

Hi all. I hope this entry finds you all well and staying safe. With the holidays right around the corner and the virus raging out of control, I know times seem dark. They are dark. And it’s easy getting lost in the darkness. At least for me it is…

My husband is still hanging on to life, but declining steadily at the same time. It’s been almost two months since he went to hospice care and I feel like it’s been so much longer. So. Much. Longer. I am lost in the depths of a sinking sadness and it just doesn’t end. There is no way to say this. It just is. I pray constantly for his pain and suffering to end, knowing that mine will be made greater when he passes. It’s okay. I know I will heal as best I can and I hope to get lost in the healing process. I hope that makes sense… I am so lost in the grieving process already, and have been for over a year now, so the healing process will be a welcomed change.

Today my husband asked me not to cry, but I don’t know how to stop. It’s so easy to get lost in the sorrow of the journey we’re on. Finding reasons to be happy still come, just not as frequently as they are welcome. I did have a reason to be happy for a little while today when talking to the other Gma of our oldest grandson… He got a new puppy on Monday of this week and our boy named him Moe. I learned that our grandson has shown great responsibility in caring for Moe already, and that Moe brings healing to his heart. This is the same grandson we lost to the forced estrangement more than 2.5 years ago, so knowing that he is happy means everything to me. I am so grateful for the small things in my life that bring me moments of happiness.

Being lost in the love of my family is easy, and I appreciate them so much. I am so wounded and not fun to be around, and the people of my family are loving me through the pain and the loss to come. I won’t be the only one to lose my husband, and I know that all of us will be left a little emptier after he’s gone. I think sometimes I hurt so much that I close myself off, and they know this. So do my trusted friends. I’d like to believe that the people I love aren’t hurting, but they are and I can’t fix that. I wish I could…

Getting lost to the sadness is one thing, getting lost in the anger that rears its ugly head is another. I have been angry a lot over the past 13 months, but lately that anger seems to sink its teeth deeper and deeper into my soul. I don’t care if people agree me when it comes to the decisions I’ve been making. What other people think of me is none of my business. The climate in which we all live in the U.S. is toxic. It’s also emboldened people to give voice to their opinions about MY decisions. If I want to know what someone thinks about what I’m doing, I’ll ask. The saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes… Yeah. I get lost in that anger and I can’t shake it off as easily as I used to. I know I shouldn’t care, and most of the time I don’t, but when closer then most people to me say shit to me about what they “would do differently” I get pissed. When it’s your turn to do things differently, go ahead. I sincerely hope you never have to do things differently… I hope you never have to sit by a loved one’s bedside and watch as the Grim Reaper slowly takes his sweet time torturing them.

I wish I could be more positive and encourage you all like I used to. I hope to get back to that person again someday. I know I’ll never be the same again, but I also know that I will be okay and that my story will be an encouragement to someone else someday. When people tell me how strong I am, I tell them that I’m not strong, I’m broken. Being broken is okay, and so is being strong. I’m not strong enough to be anything but broken right now and it’s as it should be. I am not afraid to ask for help, I am not afraid to cry and I am not afraid of what is coming. There is a strange sense of strength in the brokenness I feel, and someday I will try my best to put the pieces back together again. Until then, I’ll try really hard to not get lost in the pain…

Stay safe, be kind and know that I appreciate you all making this journey with me. Until next time…

First snow of 2020. Photo by Barb Enos

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