Boxes…

Hi everyone…

I know it’s a weird title, but my life has become full of boxes. Both literally and figuratively. I’ve been put in a box again by the Veterans Administration when it comes to visiting my husband. I can’t. Again. And this visitation ban is much, much harder to navigate. The one in the spring was tough, but he was motivated to keep trying to improve. The fact that Covid-19 made it impossible for him to stay that way is why he’s now dying. He’s been put in a box as well. Boxes of loneliness, isolation, confusion and fear. His mind is a box that he can’t open, nor close, and I can’t help him. I can’t even hold his hand.

I started working for UPS this week as a seasonal helper and talk about boxes? It’s quite surprising how many boxes fit in my small SUV when the seats are folded down. It was a rough start, very chaotic, but the past couple of days have been better. I’ve learned that people love online shopping way more than I do, but the pandemic has a lot to do with that. The amount of boxes and bags that come through just the UPS Center I work out of is staggering. Simply staggering. Holy boxes, Batman!!! My seasonal position will end om 1/15/2021 and I’m pretty sure I’m going to miss it. I like working, but the past year has made it almost impossible. The time frame for me works right now, and maybe by late January I’ll be able to see my husband again. If he’s still alive…

I’ve been known to box myself in from time to time. As a kid, my next oldest sibling and I would make box forts and use boxes as traps for our house cats. We’d use pieces of boxes as sleds in the wintertime and absolutely fly down the hills we’d coast on. Now I box myself in with my thoughts. I start feeling caged by the anguish of our situation, knowing that no matter how hard I fight, I still can’t make a difference. I keep knocking on all sides of the boxes, but nothing works. Maybe I should just get another empty box and turn it into another make-shift sled… I’m back home where it snows. I’m back home where I’ve done this before, and it might be fun…

As I wonder through this life, I can’t help but think about all the ways we all box each other in. We put people in boxes and try and make them stay there. Stop! Boxes are cold, void spaces and people deserve better than to be left alone and in the cold. Think about it. I know I am sometimes guilty of putting others in boxes myself. I try really hard to not be judgmental, but I fail. And when we judge, we’re putting people in boxes that they just can’t see. Maybe you don’t like the way someone looks, that judgement box might be labeled ugly. Maybe you don’t agree with someone’s political beliefs (this is one of my biggest boxes.) What kind of box do I put political beliefs in? I don’t know how to label it… Maybe someone you love doesn’t love you back anymore and they’ve shoved you into a box labeled used. And then they place that box in a closet of darkness. That’s on them, not you. Let your light shine through the box flaps into that darkness and believe that someday your light is enough. This very thing has happened to me, but at this point of my life I don’t fit in that box anymore. I don’t have time, not the inclination to stay put in someone else’s dark spaces. Boxes can be useful, but also harmful. Choose wisely…

I have more boxes to deal with tomorrow. The Christmas season is upon us and no matter what you believe, Christmas is a time for giving. And receiving. I prefer to give, and have asked my family and friends to not give me physical gifts this year. Instead I asked that they make a donation to the Fisher House Foundation in my husband’s honor. I have all I need as far as possessions go, and I am a minimalist at heart. Plus, I don’t have space to store “things.” This year has taught me that we need far less than we think we do, and therefore the boxes are fewer. And what a welcome change that is

In closing, I hope that no matter what you believe, you have a peaceful and safe holiday season. May Covid-19 not be a visitor, may your heart be filled with love and light, and may you know that your are enough. Until later…

Photo by Ksenia Chernaya on Pexels.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s