Today I feel like I can finally write something from a positive place in my heart. Life is hard, we all know that. Life may be harder right now because of COVID-19, but I find that I am learning how to appreciate the slowing down that is being experienced in some ways. I am more appreciative of the people on the front lines of the pandemic. The health care workers that cannot stay home, the grocery store workers that have to risk exposure every time they clock in, the essential personnel that have been trying to keep us all safe and healthy. So many people deserve recognition… Civil servants, police officers, fire fighters, EMT’s. The people behind the scenes that we all need, but rarely acknowledge. Thank you, from the bottom of this transplanted Virginian’s heart, thank you.
I had a therapy session today with my favorite therapist, via phone as always, and it helps to have someone to talk to during these trying times. I am not afraid of contracting the virus, I do fear that the self isolation will grab me by the hand and walk me towards a depression that will be long, dark and most unwelcome. After all the life altering events of the past 2.5 years, walking into a depression seems inevitable, even possible. Not gonna happen to this girl!!! I have been given so many tools to help me cope with any situation over these past months, and I fully intend to utilize them. Feeling sad? Cry, then blow your nose, wash your face and go for a walk. Feeling angry? Scream at the top of your lungs, then take a deep breath and release the anger on the exhale. Feeling alone? Call your best friend, call your mom, call someone and be sure to laugh. Laughter is still the best medicine, it brings a simple joy that is missing in these trying times. Feeling confused? Shut off the TV, stop looking at your phone and pick up a book. Watch an old movie. Listen to your favorite music. We are responsible for our reactions to what is going on around us, and those reactions can be positive. We all have the desire to feel good within us, and we have to tap into those feelings and be resolved to not be defeated by events, people and the world around us. Yes, we will sink from time to time, but bouncing back and becoming stronger can happen if we decide to let it.
People need to know they matter. People are not disposable and love should never be used as weapon, one against another. Sadly, we human beings use love as a weapon every day and we probably don’t realize how often this happens. Think about it, and be honest with yourself. Did you stop talking to someone because the words they said hurt your feelings? I’ve been guilty of this very thing myself and in some ways I still live this. I no longer speak to someone I once loved more than life itself. I know that I never will again as long as she makes it so. This particular person has demanded that I never speak to her and she is having that demand met. It’s a classic situation of being careful of what you ask for because you just might get it. I find that I can no longer fathom speaking to this person, and were the opportunity to present itself to speak to her, I would politely decline. People need to know they matter, and like I stated, we are not disposable. I am not disposable. In defense of this woman, she is not either. I have not disposed of her, but I will never be able to let my guard down again and rebuilding this particular relationship is not possible. Nor is it wanted or necessary. The foundations of the past have been destroyed and the time and determination it would take to rebuild don’t exist any longer. On either side of the fence of life. Closing the door on something is much different than tossing someone out like the scum at the bottom of a trash can, I’ve closed the door. And when I finally closed the door, a window opened. Wide. I am enjoying my life because of the gentle breezes that come through said window, and while I will always miss what could have been, I am moving forward.
Today the sun shines here in central Virginia, but I do see grey clouds on the horizon. Just like life, the grey days come and go. The sun will shine again and we will once again learn to appreciate that which we take for granted. I could continually lament about the condition my husband is in, but I choose to focus on the strides he has made over these past five months. He has had 7 surgeries in the past five months, 2 major, and one just this past Monday. A major one. He did well, and it was terrifying to know he had to have a surgical procedure done with a weakened heart, and that he would be under anesthesia for hours. I was allowed to be in the hospital both Monday and Tuesday, but not since. Grey days are upon me, but not just me, millions of people around the country are forbidden to see their loved ones. Thankfully we live in a time of teleconferencing, Skype, Duo, Face-time, etc… so I can see my beloved. Not all of us are as lucky. Remember that. People need to know they matter, so remind those that you love and care for in any way you can that they matter to you. It’s up to each one of us to help chase away the grey that life brings, not just to us, but to others.
Today I feel as if I could write forever, I feel like the words inside my head just keep coming. And they keep coming. I guess it would be safe to say that I am feeling my feelings up close and personal, and those feelings are mostly positive and good. I have much to be thankful for. I’m part of a family that accepts me and my quirkiness without condition and I have survived being broken, shattered and shamed. I have picked myself up more than once to keep going and am blessed beyond measure. My cup runneth over! I have a husband I love and that is my very best friend. I have a daughter, two sons-in-love, four grandchildren, and a dog that mean the world to me. I have friends that know my deepest, darkest secrets and love me anyway. My circle is small, that’s okay. My circle is at it should be: full of trust, love and compassion. I am very aware of all that I have lost, but I am also very aware of all that I have and thank God every day that I breathe, laugh, cry and love. The older I get the more I realize just how much we unintentionally hurt ourselves and those around us. Because of this realization, I strive to not hurt people intentionally, but I know I still do. I am sorry that this happens, but I am also thankful that I am able to forgive myself. I am big on forgiveness, and I know that granting forgiveness is intrinsically tied into the fiber of who I am. Being able to forgive others is so much easier than forgiving oneself, but forgiving ourselves is just as important.
Today I hope to smile a lot, cry a little, and love without condition. Self isolation sucks, that’s for sure, but it’s not all bad. Maybe it helps bring that which is most important into focus. Tell someone you’re thinking of them. Mail a card to an old friend just because you can. Say I love you to your kids. Hug your spouse and remind them what it is you love about them. Find a way to convey a message of happiness and love, the world isn’t all bad. I plan on watching a little Outlander, cooking something yummy and maybe taking some of my own advice and mailing a card to an old friend…
Be well, stay safe, and smile!!!