Wham! What do you think of when you read that word? If you’re of my generation it’s very possible that visions of Batmam and Robin fill your concsiousness. Perhaps you picure a punch to the gut, or a mighty wave crashing on the shore. All of these things and many more can help define wham, and when wham decides to show itself through grief, watch out.
It’s just 13 days shy of the 18 month mark of my husband’s death and I make it through most days without crying non-stop. This morning, however, was a different story. While driving from my apartment to my daughter’s house along a rural road, it was as though William “The Refrigerator” Perry came at me from the right and I didn’t recognize the tackle until it was too late. Within the blink of an eye I was a mess, driving on curvy and hilly roads, and wishing I could just curl up in a corner somewhere and run away from the world. Wham! The ugly crying that knocks us all off our feet was pouring out of my eyes and all I could think about was how much I missed him right then. I had a decent morning, and nothing was really weighing on my mind other than the fact I wanted to be at my daughter’s on time.
The crying got me thinking about how much the human spirit can endure and how the choices we make when seeking endurance can directly affect the decisions we make. I’m considered to be “strong” by most of the people I know, but it’s something I deny every time someone states that. Since starting this blog several years ago, I can see the evolution of change in how I deal with wham. I’ve turned back to God and have given my life over to Christ. The Holy Spirit is alive and well within me and I know that my weakness is made perfect in His strength. “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)). 99% of the whams I experience these days come from the enemy, and the closer I walk with Jesus, the easier those attacks are to recognize. This morning’s wham was not of the enemy, it was just the longing of a widow’s heart to be held in the arms of the man that loved her and to feel that spiritual connection that was ours.
When someone we love dies, we are rendered broken and most people pity us. I don’t want pity, and quite frankly, I don’t need it. My husband and I had a Covenant marriage, and when the covenant was broken by either one of us, we suffered in the most human sense of the word. When we kept that three corded marriage covenant, we were always blessed beyond measure. Always. Sometimes those whams are filled with unmeasurable reward, and I believe learning how to discern the hurtful whams from the whams of the enemy is key to a peace filled, joyful marriage. That same discernment is key in most situations, not just marriage, and when we can recognize the mountain God has asked to climb as a gift, and not a road-block, we can begin to understand just how He moves.
I thought, up until this morning, that I had successfully climbed the mountain of grief and was well on the other side. Wham! I will always grieve the man that was the Daddy to my Mommy and the Poppy to my MiMi, there is no way over, under, or around that. I HAVE to walk through the valley and though I may be surrounded by mountains, the only mountain that matters is the one in front of me. God will carry me up when I’m too tired to keep going, and he’ll bring me out to another valley that shows me the beauty of my life. My life is beautiful, even with all the whams I’ve experienced. Walking with His guidance, and under the protection of His armor, brings the promise of more beauty than my human eyes can take in and my human heart can understand.
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve kept up with my blog, and I recall writing a few months ago that I might consider ending it, I’m not going to. I’m going to take it in a new direction, using my page to share my walk with the Lord, express my gratitude for the gifts the Lord has given, and encourage anyone who reads it to find peace, joy, and love. The Lord gives us “fruits of the spirit” that we can nurture and grow, and when the whams come, especially the difficult ones, we can seek God’s guidance with those same fruits. Patience, kindness, goodness, love, joy, forbearance, gentleness and faithfulness still exist in this fallen world, we need not look any further than up to find them.
I pray that your day is wham free unless the whams are positive. I hope we can all remember to be kind because we can be, and I hope you all are blessed beyond measure.